It has been three months since Malmo 2013: the 58e Concours EUROVISION Chansons de Europeenes passed. As I did for Baku 2012, I will do the same: rank all 39 entries. Note: Slovakia, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Portugal and Turkey, which were at Baku last year withdrew, while Armenia, which sat out Baku 2012 over Armenian-Azeri conflicts came back. And they came back with a bang. More on that later.
But now, stimulate your senses, as I bring you the rankings of all 39 entries at EUROVISION LVIII.
Ready...
Set...
Go!
Usually the ESC has its best and its worst, and nothing comes worst than the song I have chosen for my 39th and worst song of this 58th ESC. And that honor goes to...
The wedding gown wearing, girl kissing, son of a gun from Finland...Krista Siegfrids. For starters, she should have been disqualified (a copy of the ESC rules from the EBU is online somewhere) for that kiss at the end of her performance. Uncalled for, and I'm certain she was bought a spot for the finals, where she finished toward the bottom. She shouldn't have been in the final to begin with, because: 1) "Marry Me" is an absolute shit of a song and one of the worst songs of all time in ESC (Spain 2006 and Ireland 2011 and 2012 among others) and 2) The worst Finnish effort ever. Why is it the worst Finnish effort ever? You see, this is garbage compared to superior stuff like Lordi (2006), Terabastoni (?) (2008), Waldo's People (2009) and Pernilla Karlsson (2012) among others. So yeah, this is the worst Finnish ESC song ever.
At number 38 on my post-ESC ranking is Despina Olympiou (Cyprus) with "An Me Thymase." Why is this at the bottom? It is a bit boring, plus I really don't care for Cyprus that much in ESC, unless they can get something with more aura and attitude. Compared to "La La Love" by Ivi Adamou (2012), this is much better than "La La Love," which was a 'slaggish' track compared to "Thymase." I'm hoping Cyprus can get their act together and find a rap, rock or electronic act for 2014 or simply withdraw.
Robin Stjernberg (Sweden) is 37th on my rankings with "You," a song that is overly exaggerated and shitty. One of Sweden's worst efforts in ESC, especially when you're the host nation of the contest. Sweden should have had Roger Pontare represent their country in the own backyard, after all, in Stockholm 2000, he electrified the crowd with his aura and attitude with "When Spirits are Calling My Name." The way an ESC song should be.
Another song that shouldn't make the final to begin with: Farid Mammadov "Hold Me" (Azerbaijan). Number 36 on my rankings. Very overrated, highly emo tune. It seemed the voters and juries wanted EMO songs and they got it. I don't care that much for ballads in ESC. Clearly this was one of the worst for Azerbaijan in ESC. Should have had Sabina Babayeva represent Azerbaijan again. She was much better!
At number 35, it's Roberto Bellarosa with "Love Kills" (Belgium). He is of Italian descent living in Belgium. Don't like the song, and Roberto comes off as a 19 year old with a haircut similar to Hives frontman 'Howlin' Pelle' Almquist. And the backup dancers. Were they influenced by the backup dancers in the video for the late Robert Palmer's "Simply Irresistable"? Remember, Palmer and those backups-due to the popularity of 'Irresistable' at that time-also filmed an ad for Diet Pepsi, which is somewhere on Youtube for your enjoyment, because I remember that commercial firsthand. This was another one that shouldn't make the finals. To the ESC committee in Belgium, where was Emly Starr or Sandra Kim? Why were they not available?
At number 34 on my list is the ever boring "Mizerja" by the barber shop sextet known as Klapa S Mora (Croatia) or simply "The Six Amigos." It is an okay song, but a bit boring, that is why I ranked it lower. I wonder if this was recorded for a commercial? This was among a slew of disasters for the former Yugoslav states in EUROVISION this year. More on that later.
To recap so far...
39. Finland
38. Cyprus
37. Sweden
36. Azerbaijan
35. Belgium
34. Croatia
Next up is my rankings 33-27. And as I countdown, where will this year's winner Emmelie de Forest rank? Or third place Zlata Ognevich? Stay tuned.
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