Copenhagen 2014: Rankings of the 37, Part 1: 37-32

It's been two months since the LIX edition (59th) of le Concours EUROVISION Chanson Europeenes, Copenhagen 2014 concluded. And for the third straight year, I'm doing my annual ESC review. I felt like 34 of the 37 entries were in contention to win. Some might hate this, some might love it. Without any introduction, here we go.

In 5...



4...


3...


2...


1...


And the song ranked 37th and last this year is...


(drumroll please)

Cleo with "My Slowianie" (Poland). Disappointed since Donatan, the man who produced it (or co produced it I think) is a hip hop producer. I also feel sorry for those who voted for this to make the final--not! It is among one of the worst songs in ESC history for a reason, it's similarity to mainstream R&B like Beyoncé or Rihanna. The trashy types. Very trashy song that should have never been an internal selection for Poland. The Poles should feel ashamed. I hope they either come back strong in May or just withdraw. Remember, Poland has been out of ESC since 2011, after a failed showing by Magdalena Tul in the results category with "Jestem" in Dusseldorf. "Jestem" is a far better song than this!

Just like Poland disappointed me in their return, the host country Denmark also disappointed me this year. Basim's "Cliché Love Song" is a very dry, make that extremely dry song that was too generic and mainstream. It also reflected in both the grand final tally and in my rankings, as I have this at number 36.

When it comes to song quality in the ESC, what has happened to song quality Belarus? From Anastasia Vinnikova to Litesound and Alyona Lanskaya, it was great. With Teo this year, Belarus in ESC really hit rock bottom quality wise. But once again, voters across Europe decided looks got him to the final. This is what's wrong with the contest every year, is that talent is overlooked by looks. Fucking Satanic heathens. Very lame song that should've never reached the final in the first place. Hence, at number 35, "Cheesecake" should have melted itself.

Over the years, this event has seen major disappointments. This was one of them. "Cake to Bake" by the band Aarzemnieki (Latvia) had a lot of potential, but a lot of letdown. Hence, I ranked them 34th of 37th this year. Very folksy song and one of those 34 that had contention to win it all, but failed to make the final. I still liked it and respected it anyway, should've ranked it higher, but oh well.

Tijana Dapcevic's "To the Sky" (Macedonia) is number 33 on my rankings. Why this low for an addictive song? I felt it also had good potential, but was also a letdown as well. Like Aarzemnieki's "Cake to Bake," I should've ranked it higher.

At number 32, is your winner, Tom Neuwirth, with "Rise Like a Phoenix" (Austria). Okay song, but I felt like the voting was rigged. I mean come on man, stronger songs than this and Europe chose this the most? Once again it was rigged. To me it is one of the worst winners in ESC history. Check that, the worst. He was fucking trolling since his internal selection a few months prior. He knew with this gimmick that he would be the biggest troll in ESC history and lived up to the hype. I'm also pretty sure dead people across Europe voted for him as well. I'm not homophobic, just telling the truth.

So to sum up part one so far...

37. Poland
36. Denmark
35. Belarus
34. Latvia
33. Macedonia
32. Austria

Thirty-one big ones to number one as the countdown continues!

Tom Neuwirth Wins Copenhagen 2014; Austria to Host 60th Edition of the ESC Next Year

Yes folks, a bearded man in drag won the 59th edition of the Concours EUROVISION Chanson de Europeenes in Copenhagen.

Tom Neuwirth (pictured as 'Conchita Wurst') won with "Rise Like a Phoenix," by a margin of 52 points over Sanne Nielsen's "Undo."

Austria will be the host country for the 60th edition of the event at some point next May. The question after this: how many more countries will withdraw and who will shockingly return? The answer is in the next few months.

Copenhagen 2014 Reviews: Tom Neuwirth as Conchita Wurst "Rise Like a Phoenix"

Yes folks, Austria will have a 'drag queen' representing their country at Copenhagen 2014. Meet Tom Neuwirth, an Austrian singer, who also performs under the name 'Conchita Wurst.'

It will not be the real Neuwirth, but instead his drag queen creation that will be on stage Thursday, the 8th of May in semifinal 2 with "Rise Like a Phoenix." "Rise Like a Phoenix" is a soft ballad, that starts off softly, and then it kicks it up a notch. However I find this very mediocre, and since semifinal 2 will be just as tough as semifinal 1 on Tuesday, the 6th of May, I really don't think this song will see grand final action on the 10th of May. That's my viewpoint.

I don't recall a lot of drag acts in the ESC, other than Sestre in 2002 with "Samo Ljubezen" (the group dressed as flight attendants in that performance), so this is nothing new. Even though there have been protests for this act from Russia and Belarus, there were also protests for Sestre prior to Tallinn 2002. I'm not joking, even though "Samo Ljubezen" is better than "Rise Like a Phoenix."

As far as the status of the song goes, I really don't think it sizes up to some of Austria's other superior entries of the past, such as Westend "Hurricane" (1983), the Rounder Girls "All to You" (2000) and Mess "Sonntag" (1982). Even Natalia Kelly "Shine" from Malmo 2013 was better. This was an internal selection by the Austrian ESC broadcaster, and it could hurt this country in the long run as far as future ESC participation. I thought Austria still did national finals?

Up next: Dilara Kazimova "Start a Fire."