EUROVISION LVII: Morgan's Top 42 Rankings, 42-37

Okay guys, it's been almost three months since EUROVISION LVII came to a close in late May. You've read my blogs about the ten best songs of this year's competition, and other related stuff. But how does all 42 rank in my rankings, just almost three months later? Let's find out.

Ladies and gentlemen...for your reading pleasure...

Light your (ass on) fire! The ESC LVII 42 rankings and just like the Bud Light slogan goes...

HERE!

WE!

GO!!!

And #42 this year according to yours truly. Now most people thought Izabo or Rambo Amadeus would belong here.

Nope.

#42 on my ESC 2012 rankings...

As self predicted, one of the acts that shouldn't belong in the grand final to begin with. First semifinal this year was so weak that a few good ones were snubbed via judging and televoting. Therefore, this brings us to the Grimes twins-John and Edward, or JEDWARD (IRL). For the second year in a row, these twats represented Ireland and yet it cost them a lot in the wallet as well. Horrible song like last year, what else do you expect from these two. Ireland will (hopefully) do better next year (PS, I'm half Irish too)!

At number 41, the hip-hop duo Trackshittaz (AUT), with "Woki Dem Mit Popo." Only rap/hip hop (sans Rambo Amadeus) that competed this year. I didn't like the beat or song, if they had a hard beat and a better tune to spit on the mic with, then this could be competitive. Hence the lower ranking. I'm a fan of underground (real) rap/hip-hop and wants rap to do well at EUROVISION, but this wasn't the right song.

At number 40, Valentina Monetta (SMR)'s "The Social Network Song" (originally "Facebook") was another poor effort this year. Glad this one didn't make the final. There's something about her and this song that didn't win me over. Guess what it is? I'll explain. For starters, she's 37, performing like she's 27, in a body fit for 17 year olds, marketed toward 7 year old girls who play Barbies. Simple as that.

At number 39, Touraj 'Tooji' Keshktar (NOR) barely made it in the final in the second semifinal, in a tiebreaker with Sofi Marinova's "Lubov Bez Granici" (BUL). Both had 45 points, however Tooji had 11 countries voting for him, whereas Sofi had 10 (more later). And had a piss poor showing in 26th in the grand final. I didn't like this song, even though the beginning sounds like Benny Benassi & the Biz's "Satisfaction" (legendary song). I thought this was one of the songs that shouldn't make it through the second semifinal.

Anri Jokhadze (GEO) showed that the 'Joker' was unfunny in "I'm a Joker." This was 38th and something was not right with the song or performance. I didn't like the song period and glad it didn't go through to the grand final. I'm pretty sure he banged Gaitana (UKR) prior to the week's finals and press conferences!

"Lautar" by Pasha Parfeny (MDA) was 37th on my rankings. Typical lame ass fare and I wished that it didn't make the final.

In part 2, I will go over songs 36-31 on my ESC LVII rankings!

EUROVISION: The London Olympics Edition, part 6

This is the final part of my series, "EUROVISION: The London Olympics Edition." This part highlights the final seven of the countries who sent an artist to represent their respective countries at EUROVISION LVII in Baku, Azerbaijan back in May. Only this time, the participants are those who competed at the London Olympics.

DISCLAIMER: This is 100% spoof. Absolutely and positively spoof, and is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

Okay folks, here we go!

SLOVAKIA. Pavol & Peter Hochschorner "Brothers in Arms"
You thought this was a Dire Straits cover? Hell no. This is a brilliant masterpiece of the brothers-former Olympic gold medal canoeists-who didn't fare so well at London. This is a hybrid of Izabo (ESC Israel winners 2012) and Spandau Ballet. Like both? You'll like this!

SLOVENIA. Urska Zolnir "Roundhouse Kick"
"Roundhouse Kick" is about the gold medal judoka's profession of judo and how much she trained to reach the goal of competing in the Olympics. Fans of Nina Zilli, Nina Badric and Rona Nishliu would enjoy this piece, because it's a hybrid of all three!

SPAIN. Pau Gasol "Get My Ass in the Paint!"
This refers to a postgame interview after a Lakers Western Conference quarterfinal match (2012 NBA Playoffs), where he said "I got to get my ass in the paint." Inspirational rap piece, if you're a big fan of Pharcyde, among others.

SWEDEN. Men's handball team "Oh Well!"
Punk-pop piece referring to the Swedish men's handball team's failure to win gold at London, in the final. If you're a fan of Green Day or Dead Kennedys, this is great for you, because it mashes both!

SWITZERLAND. Michel Morganella "Just a Random Comment!"
Yes! This is about the twitter controversy surrounding the Swiss football after a group match earlier in the Olympics against South Korea, where he mentioned about Koreans as "retards" and other such banter, that resulted in his expulsion from London. Just like Voula Papachristou, they're both are victims of PC. Great for fans of 311 and other bands that have reggae roots.

TURKEY. Gamze Bulut & Asli Cakir Alptekin "A Cut Above the Rest!"
This describes their 1-2 finish in the women's 1500m final perfectly. Includes a Morgan Uceny falling and crying reference. Dance pop fans and Eurodance fans would love this. Think Crush "Jellyhead"!

UKRAINE. Women's quadruple sculls rowers "Fab Four"
Another dancy tune, featuring the four quadruple sculls rowers who won gold. Also takes shots at the US 'fierce five' artistic gymnasts who won gold. Believe it or not, Gaitana (ESC 2012 Ukraine with "Be My Guest") wrote the lyrics and her producing team for most of the run on Viva, Europa, is behind this masterpiece! Hilarious!

So that does it for EUROVISION: The London Olympics Edition!

Friday Jukebox 8.17.12

"Survival" by Muse was one of the 'official' songs of London 2012. In fact, this is the official 'official' song of London 2012. Not a Muse fan, despite the fact this band has been around for years and I have seen their videos years back, especially on the old MTV2 series Subterranean (now returning as 120 Minutes, which was the original name of the show when it was on the mothership and when the mothership had MUSIC). So for all the MUSE fans out there, here it is!

EUROVISION: The London Olympics Edition, part 5

And now for your viewing pleasure, what to expect here in part five. Remember, London Olympics participants for their respective countries-the countries that participated in EUROVISION LVII this past May in Baku.

DISCLAIMER: This is absolutely, positively 100% spoof and is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

Here we go!

NETHERLANDS. Ranomi Kromowidjojo "Say it Right!"
"Say it Right!" is a responsive song geared toward those who cannot pronounce the last name of the two (now three time?) gold medalist, and 50m and 100m free champion from London 2012. It's probably "Kro-mo-vee-JOY-yo" (that's what I've heard through Dan Hicks) or "Kro-mo-wid-Jo-Jo" (on the IOC feeds online), or other various pronounciations of her last name. This is for those who like your RnB pure and simple.

NORWAY. Women's handball team "We Won Again!"
Heavy metal fuses this statement by the reigning Olympic gold medalists in women's handball, as they went back to back golds on Saturday in the final against Montenegro. Could be absolute tunage!

PORTUGAL. Fernando Pimenta and Emanuel Silva "Feel Our Waves"
The gold medalists in one of the canoeing classes whip up a passionate tune that is acoustic-and acoustic only. This tune will get everyone to 'feel their waves'!

ROMANIA. Horia Tecau "I'm Just a Double"
No, this doesn't have anything to do with Biz Markie, neither is a cover of "I'm Just a Friend," however, it's a piano/RnB-fused tune that exploits Tecau's efforts at Wimbledon during London 2012, and his career as a doubles specialist, which he has done more than in singles.

RUSSIA. Mariya Savinova "Faster Than That Tranny!"
This song is so funny, yet catchy as well. Dance pop ala Kylie and Sophie Ellis-Bextor, so if you're a fan of either, this is great for you! This is about the women's 800m final in which she won gold and fought off a hard charging Caster Semenya for the win. Semenya had to sit out for 11 months of competition because of gender testing. Yes, Caster looks manly, but does compete as a woman (sad).

SAN MARINO. Alessandra Perilli "Stop or I'll Shoot You!"
A London 2012 participant from San Marino, the shooter has a snappy gem that takes a time warp back to 60's RnB (think anything and everything from Motown), with a message geared toward the lowest common denominator. Never fuck with an Olympic shooter.

SERBIA. Novak Djokovic "Still Number One!"
This could be one of the favorites of the contest. Why? Nole is popular not only throughout Europe, but by tennis fans worldwide as a popular player on and off the court! It exploits his run to the semis in the singles at Wimbledon two weeks ago, and why he is still number one in the world rankings after London 2012. Great stuff, if you're a fan of Kurt Calleja and other musicians of his kind.

Now there's one final part of the series, where the rest come in. I'm talking about Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey and Ukraine.

EUROVISION: The London Olympics Edition, part 4

On to part 4. Now once again, this is all about if the ESC committees of those participated this year would send one of the countries' participants from London to represent their countries in song.

DISCLAIMER! This is 100% spoof and is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

Proceed.

ITALY. Valentina Vezzali "The Foil Song"
"The Foil Song" is produced by the same team who produced "Facebook," the entry of Valentina Monetta (San Marino) at EUROVISION LVII in May. Except a few things. The beat takes a route similar to early '90s hip hop, and the sound is distorted as opposed to 'Facebook' and yes! Valentina Vezzali actually sings compared to Monetta!

LATVIA. Maris Strombergs "Breaking Away"
"Breaking Away" is a 90% piano piece, with a sound that is almost similar to the song "Standing Still" by Roman Lob, the German entrant at EUROVISION LVII this past May. It chronicles the men's BMX champion's road to repeating as gold medalist in the men's race, as well as the only to win gold so far in men's BMX in the Olympics.

LITHUANIA. Ruta Meilutyte "Like a Shark's Fin"
This Euroballad recounts a 15-year old's path to gold as one of the youngest gold medalists from the London Olympics and why she broke a world record in the process. Hang on folks, this could be a winner.

MACEDONIA (or FYROM). Simona Marinova "I Tried"
"I Tried" is about the Macedonian swimmer's only heat in one of the events in the pool despite a slow time. Macedonia had no medals at these summer games. Great for Euroballad fans.

MALTA. Diane Borg "Resistance is Futile"
Prepare to get assimilated with this tune by the Maltese sprinter which is heavily fused between garage rock and drum and bass. Truly a cool tune to enjoy for generations.

MOLDOVA. Anatoli Ciriru "Lift Me Up (and Up and Up)"
This is a cool tune for the weightlifter about an invisible spirit that he is trying to lift up using the snatch and clean and jerk techniques. It is a hybrid of Dave Matthews Band meets Hootie & the Blowfish and G. Love and Special Sauce. Like all three bands? You'll like this!

MONTENEGRO. Women's handball team "Throw It To the Net!"
In 2012, it was Buranovskiye Babushki-the grannies from Russia-who finished 2nd in Baku. In 2013, prepare for more epicness! Enter the Montenegrin women's national handball team, that finished runner up to Norway in the gold medal final on Saturday. This entry is geared for more Montenegrins-men and women-to start playing handball. There are over 100 men and women who play handball in that country, so this is a good way to market to prospects. This is basically taking the page of the 1985 Chicago Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle", as well as the Los Angeles (Oakland) Raiders' "Silver and Black Attack", New York Mets' "Let's Go Mets Go!", and Los Angeles (St. Louis) Rams' "Ram It" among others. Get the pattern here? This is win!

So that's that for part 4. Part 5 will feature entries from Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Romania, Russia, San Marino and Serbia.

EUROVISION: The London Olympics Edition, part 3

Remember, these are the countries who participated at EUROVISION LVII in May in Baku, who if they wish, could send an Olympian from the London games to represent their respective countries in the most prestigious song contest in the world.

DISCLAIMER: Again, this is spoof and is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

Let's continue with the next seven countries.

GERMANY. Julius Brink & Jonas Reckermann "Kings of the Bitches (Beaches)"
This is one of the most funniest song in the competition, because it describes how far the German duo have come to win gold at London in men's beach volleyball. If you love '60s rock and roll, you will love this!

GREAT BRITAIN. Mo Farah "Longer Than You Thought!"
This is Team GB's entry in the competition, a rap piece, this after his wins in the men's 5000m and 10000m this past week. The lyrics also state that only real athletes run longer distances than sprints. Fans of underground rap will love this!

GREECE. Voula Papachristou "I Should've Been There!"
"I Should've Been There" is about the life struggles of the long jump athlete whose 'controversial' tweets caused her to miss the flight for London. It's a cross between Melissa Etheridge and Lisa Loeb and is meant for those tastes.

HUNGARY. Daniel Gyurta "Who's Daniel Gyurta?"
Another rap piece, this time from the swimmer who's gold medal swim in an event a couple weeks ago boasts the question: "Who's Daniel Gyurta?" With beats similar to those produced by DJ Premier, Gyurta explains who he is and why he shocked the swimming world. Brilliant piece that is NOT for the lowest common denominator of fans.

ICELAND. Men's handball team "Almost There"
"Almost There" recounts the experiences that Iceland had in the men's handball tournament at London. Teary and emotional for the Euroballad fans. This is in the form and style of U2, so if you're fans of U2, you'll like it.

IRELAND. Katie Taylor "Third Round Knockout"
"Third Round Knockout" is a powerful rap/RnB tune by the first woman boxer from Ireland to win gold at the Olympics. This is more proof that a song is powerful is way better than what Ireland had at EUROVISION in 2011 and 2012. Jedwardians, prepare to get your asses kicked via 'third round knockout!'

ISRAEL. Yakov Toumarkin "(You Can) Press My Luck"
Title of this epic pop masterpiece says it all. Toumarkin became the first Israeli to swim to a final in a swimming event. More importantly, the last name sounds like 'Tomarken' as in the late Peter Tomarken, presenter of Press Your Luck and WIPEOUT and the first name 'Yakov' as in Yakov Smirnoff. From the same team who produced "This is the Night" by Kurt Calleja, the Maltese entry at ESC LVII. There are other covers out there of this song, including this gem: "In Soviet Russia, Luck Presses You!"

So that's part 3. Up next: part 4, featuring Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Malta, Moldova and Montenegro.

Chad Zidane or Zinedine Johnson?

Link. Earlier today, his wife has announced that she has filed for divorce. A red card on his career perhaps.